Kwek-Kwek

By: Kiara Claire Nonales

The sun was still up when my last class ended. That afternoon, I felt my sweat run down to my cheeks as I joined the crowds of students struggling to walk along the narrow and grassy pavement. Our main street was a tiny one but cars and street vendors along with passersby mob it every day.

As I walk, I immediately smiled when I spotted my favorite kwek-kwek vendor across the street. Manong Kean’s Kwek-kwek was the best one in town. It became even more special for the reason that I met someone a month ago who became my best friend because of it.

It was a raining cats and dogs that night. I was on my way home late from school when I saw her alone. She was soaked in the rain and she looked like she needed help. I decided to approach her and offer her the kwek-kwek I bought earlier the day. She timidly smiled, said “Thank you.” I bet she was then so hungry that she voraciously finished at once the food I gave her. Since then, we have been meeting each other every after school. We have become very close to the point that we share each other’s problems and worries. I also often rant to her on how school was so exhausting at times and I wish I could get out of it. She would always relate to me and I would always feel glad I that have her.

I was brought back to reality when Manong Kean said that my kwek-kwek is ready. After I said goodbye to my favorite kwek-kwek vendor, I went immediately to my friend’s house. She filled me in on how her day went. She told me her problems and how hard it has been for her recently. I felt the same thing as I am also going through a lot of problems like in academics and financial problems.

As I took a bite off my favorite kwek- kwek, she looked at me with sad, questioning eyes and asked, “What would happen if things don’t go as planned? What If we ended up the opposite of what we expected? All these things are worthless. It will happen indefinitely, like a cycle”.

As soon as she ended her phrase, many things kept on bothering inside my head. Many what ifs left unanswered.... What if I failed my exams? What if this is the end? What if there is nothing I will achieve? Even happiness?

I became speechless, struggled to find words. As much as I wanted to become successful and achieve all my goals and dreams, there is always this feeling of doubt, defeat, and disaster. The thought of it makes me want to cry – to end the suffering. After overthinking the possibilities and consequences, “We have each other”, was my only single response, as if something blocked inside my throat.

The night went on and different scenarios played inside my head. Questions and doubts about my future lingered. I pressured myself. Finding answers to my questions is like counting salts and sugars. I didn’t realize I fell asleep beside her.

I woke up early in the morning, confused because there was no one beside me. I checked every corner of the house and still there has been neither clue nor sign of where she was. I went out of the house and all I saw were people chattering near the Sari-Sari Store. I gave up after observing quite some time. I needed some help, so I asked the owner of the Sari-Sari Store beside her domain if she saw my friend

this morning. The owner was shocked, as if he saw a ghost... You! You died a month ago! You hanged yourself in the ceiling because of depression!

That moment I realized it was me all along. All that’s left was just myself when I needed help and comfort. Problems and failures haunted my mind every night that I was left with no choice but to end my life.