Constant Quest of Chasing

By: Eula Mae D. Aquino

I’ve been staring at my computer screen for almost an hour now,

Typing a word then deleting a sentence after,

Cause how do you finish a paragraph when the mind overlaps the thoughts and the other?

Where do you find the right word if the mind travels the old ruined chapters?

Sigh, my eyes are beginning to dry,

Wanting to fall, bounce to the keys and put an end to these endless activities.

These thoughts are what kept me stare longer.

So I rub and rub and rub them constantly,

Push them behind and allow myself to go back to reality.

As the small screen illuminates the dark, I saw my literal state of mind.

From the crumpled blanket I used the other night,

Scattered pillows that muffled my cries,

And window curtains I drew down to block the light,

To the sticky notes I threw, paper balls I tore in two.

For the nth time, I bit my tongue and swallowed the truth.

My room is definitely filled with nasty view.

My mother would knock on the door in the morning,

Throw glances of disappointment and an earful scolding.

But somehow, I had a clue on how she would hate me more if I screw,

The homework, tests, projects, and all the set requirements.

I can’t stop right now because she held a high expectation that never fits me.

I can’t stop right know because I have to pursue that vision she sees in me.

There’s no stopping because tomorrow has been set already.

I can’t stop because time does not.

It’s been an hour and a minute later

And I’m back with typing some words then deleting a sentence after.

Wanting to fall and bounce to the keys, my eyes pour an endless tears instead.

As my screen casts light upon, I saw myself, dwindling ahead.

This is how I keep myself awake longer.

Until my mother would knock on the door in the morning,

And have a sight of my room but not my feelings.

I would give her my rueful smile like how I shed tears tonight.

And somehow, I wish that she sees how hard I try,

To save myself from failing and falling to the ladder she assigned.